[thinking downriver of the box]

small adjustments only, a gentle push. guidance. a way of steering from outside. like canoeing down a river, the current keeps you moving regardless of whether or not you decide to paddle. all you have to do is keep the craft pointing straight, and pay attention to sidestep any fallen trees.

emotion is like the orientation of a canoe. keep it facing the right direction and you're safe, stable, under control, able to dodge debris and reach your destination; happy, if i may. a small twist of the paddle here and there, quick draw, hold a rudder for one additional moment to keep the canoe on track.

while, unlike some people who focus so hard on keeping their canoe perfectly aligned that they lose sight of what ultimately lies ahead, my goals extend far beyond the immediate environment of my personal canoe, i am also aware of the fact that complete ignorance of my waterborne prison could result in catastrophic collision, not only trapping or damaging my canoe, which would ordinarily be just a minor hindrance, but in some cases barrel-rolling the canoe sideways to become an inflated aquatic kite, first drawn by the current in two halves around opposing sides of the obstacle, then utterly crushed by its own underwater drag to a thickness of mere inches. the final outcome would be a shell of kevlar twisted around the obstacle, with, in the worst of scenarios, myself trapped inside the folded layers of former canoe, simultaneously crushed and drowning - predictably an undesiarable situation, though personally for the sole and simple reason that it would prevent me from later accomplishing anything important.

despite my wishes otherwise, i've come to the logical conclusion that the optimal balance between paddling and valued work is the minimal amount of paddling required to maintain "safe" navigation of the river, with the rest of my effort devoted to higher goals. Any more paddling would be in excess and an inefficient use of time, while any less paddling would endanger my ability to accomplish anything at all. (can't help the world if i'm dead.)

to continue a bad analogy, consider the paddle: a device, or tool rather, its properties of which i'm able take advantage of to gain control and direct my canoe in advantageous ways. this is the function of music. art. listening to white noise in the dark, climbing mountains, and drinking milo. they all serve specific purposes, together kind of like an emotional toolkit i can use to aid the ongoing inner battle for self control.

but back again to the happy canoers, paddling in straight lines, spending all their time and energy trying to perfect and polish their canoes, content with trying to make the best out of their little kevlar boxes. i can't know for sure why they do it, but my best guess is that it's either got something to do with mistaking sensation for "reality," or that they simply don't see (or worse but unfortunately more likely, choose to ignore) the huge WATERFALL in the river ahead. if their canoes are going to inevitably be swallowed up and destroyed forever, WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP TRYING TO IMPROVE THEM? what is the purpose in investing your LIMITED and therefore VALUABLE time in these insignificant and TEMPORARY LIVES!??

i just don't understand what everyone thinks they're doing. what am i missing?

3.2.06

[thinking downriver of the box]

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